Jenga

I’m sure most of you know that feeling after a breakdown, when everything is calm and still. You don’t feel much now that the storm has passed. It can feel like a fresh start, it can be reassuring, it can be peaceful. The key words here are “can be”.

What about the ones that leave you sick to your stomach from being so emotionally strained? The ones that don’t feel better after, because you let yourself feel your emotions but doing so didn’t provide clarity. Sometimes all you need is a good cry, and sometimes you stop one night only to continue the next. Because we don’t always know the answer, or maybe we’re crying because there is none.

Right now I feel like my life is the last crucial move in a game of Jenga. If I pull the right piece away, the rest can come down easily. If I pull the wrong one, it’s game over and everything will come crashing down. For the sake of this metaphor, we will pretend it is normal to get through a game of Jenga to the point where it never crashes. We will also pretend its a one person game.

But things can’t always be sturdy. Two days ago I was standing in a grade 7/8 class marvelling at how natural being at the front of a classroom felt. Today I’m wondering what emotions I’m even feeling never mind how to deal with them. And that’s life. On good days we feel ready to take on the year at full stride, complete with lemon water and 8 hours of sleep. On bad days, basic tasks seem pointless and exhausting. And not every problem will go away with a good cry on the phone. It helps, but you know you have work ahead. But we always have to work, we can always improve. And that is something to remember whether you’ve got a long emotional journey ahead or you’re on top of the world. There is work to be done, and improvements to make. Where your life is now and how you feel is only one point in the journey.

And Through My Tears, I Typed “I’m Fine”

You can type through tears, but the angry words won’t appear blurry on the receiving end to let them know you’re crying.

There’s something to be said about the “trend” in society, which Lorde artfully summed up in the lyric “it’s a new art form showing people how little we care”.

Why are we doing this? We teach each other to internalize our emotions and mask them from others not to care. But is it supposed to make us happier? Or do you just seem untouchable when you seem less vulnerable? Seem is an important word here. You may appear untouchable, but are you able to make it to your bed before crumbling onto the floor and being taken over by your sobs? Have you so lost your ability to care that you’ve gone numb?

We act like we’re okay to stop caring. But how lonely it can get, when you’ve stopped communicating emotions. You want someone to care but you refuse to show that you need them. You wonder why people act like you no longer have emotions, yet you fail to express even one. You may seem untouchable, but you will likely feel lonely and isolated. You’ve stopped letting people in.

Technology plays an unfortunate role in all of this. It can be so easy to fire off messages that fail to express what you feel. How easy it is to believe the person on the other end of a conversation is just angry, when the letters on a screen fail to convey the unmistakable sound of sobs or a voice catching on a word. Go talk to people. Or pick up a phone. Communicate. Let people pick up on your body language and changes in tone. Let people know you feel things.

Stop feeling like you have to be untouchable, unemotional. Stop finding weakness in sadness, in forgiveness, in apologies. Stop finding strength in indifference. Communicate, and feel, and let your emotions guide you; bring you down and build you back up. Live, breathe, and feel alive.

Until next time,

Chloé

Timing

Time. That human made concept that drives us to check our watches (….ok, phone screens) for no apparent reason other than to know what number of the day it is.

In life people often look for the perfect time for things. When to break bad news. When to ask a risky question. When to have that first kiss. And at the end of the day I don’t think good timing ever exists – in that, it rarely (if ever) changes an outcome.

In fact based on my relationship, I don’t think there’s any point in planning timing. It wasn’t always a perfect fairy tale, and before it began I let the poor boy down…about 20 minutes before he rushed off to a funeral. And yet it still worked out.

Our only significant fight occurred the night before an exam. He needed me the day before an essay was due. I sat in his room crying at a textbook the night before an exam. I get a panic attack while he has a migraine. It seems timing is just never right with us. And yet – things always work out in the end. We get through the tough times (and still manage to get through the exam). So why am I telling you about the misfortunes of my love life?

(Daniella, if you’re reading this, I think it’s time to start Bad Timing 2.0)

From all of it, I think I’ve mainly learned how little importance timing has. I mean yes, there are times when you may get a more favourable answer to a question if you can catch the recipient in a good mood. Or times when the timing is completely wrong – you ideally don’t ask your boss for a raise when you’ve walked in late.

But all the things we try to avoid and put off, waiting for perfect times. They don’t exist. There is no good time to break bad news and the reality is it will hurt someone whether you tell them when they’re in a good mood or a bad mood. There’s no better time than today to take that risk because maybe tomorrow will be too late. It’s constantly making excuses that keep us from moving forward in life. In fact it can actually move you back. Think, you’re mad at a friend. You know today is a “bad” day to talk about it so you wait. And while you wait, your anger grows as you are given 24 hours to remember every bad thing she’s ever done in the history of your friendship. And suddenly you’ve created a bigger problem for the sake of “timing”.

My overall point here is to just live life and roll with the punches, and do what you need to do as soon as possible. It may not seem ideal but it’s the only way to move forward. At the end of the day you can’t think to yourself that maybe if you’d done something on a different day the outcome would be different. I suppose it is possible, although I doubt that now that so many things have worked out for me after occurring at “bad times”. You shouldn’t put something off until some magical factor puts the odds more in your favour. The more you wait, the farther you are from getting where you want to be (or from failure, which still allows you to move on).

Until next post,

Chloé (….I’ve given up on pretending I can keep up with a weekly post)

“I Can’t Have My Own Baby” and Other LGBTQ Thoughts

After a short (kind of) I’m back, although not on the right day. I’ve been trying to adjust to working 40 hour weeks while still having some sort of social life. As a result, the blog got put to the side. But I’m back today, posting about a topic I rarely speak about (on here or publicly).

To kick off pride week, I’m talking about sexuality, and more specifically some of the things that may go through your mind when accepting your sexuality and sharing it with others. Of course, these are just from my own experience and do not extend to everyone nor is it an all inclusive list. It’s just 5 things I experienced, and how I dealt with them.

1. “But… If I marry a girl I can’t have my own baby.” This one was probably what kept me from accepting myself for the longest. At one point I told myself being bi was fine because I could still choose to marry a guy and have my own kid. I’ve now dismissed this and am okay with adoption if that is how my life turns out, but it was a really hard thing for me to accept. There was no way I could marry a girl and have a kid that was biologically both of ours.

2. “I hope things don’t get weird when we hug now that she knows…” This may sound stupid, but I felt hesitant to hug friends or say “I love you” like I had a hundred times before, once I’d told them. Even though none of my friends seemed to care, I always worried about this a bit. I eventually got over it and it got easier with every positive response (I think  I only had 1 negative response ever).

3. “When is the right time to tell someone I’m dating? Do I even have to tell them?” Of course if someone is gay/lesbian they don’t experience this. But everyone else in the LGBTQ+ community may experience it. In my first relationship after accepting myself I was accused of “lying” about it because it didn’t come up for 3 months. I never said anything, but I never said otherwise either. It wasn’t about hiding, it was more timing. I felt like the sooner I said it, the bigger of a deal it would be. In my second and current relationship, it came up somewhere in the first month or so and wasn’t a problem. I still don’t have an exact answer for this question, I suppose when the time feels right.

4. “Does it make sense to tell my parents if I haven’t dated a girl yet?” I know I am fortunate enough to have a family I could come out to. But it seems weird to me, having not actually dated a girl. I may not be taken seriously until I do (or at least that’s how I feel). So for now I’ve decided to leave it until I have a girlfriend (if I do).

5. “Why do I even have to come out?” In my opinion, if you don’t know who I’m dating you don’t need to know who I could be dating. That may sound strange coming from someone writing about this on a blog. But I just never felt the need to tell everyone from that kid I met at camp 6 years ago to my best friends via an online declaration. That isn’t to say I’m not “out” – most of my close friends know, there are social media posts of mine relating to it and there are people I’ve met that I told in 5 minutes because it just sort of came up. I just never felt the need to write something explicitly for the purpose of “coming out”. If you know, you know. If you don’t, either you’ll figure it out eventually or you won’t.

On the Fence About Feminism

I was just going to post a poem this week and call it a day. But after reflecting for a while on a video a watched a while back about feminism, and a legitimate explanation from someone on why they aren’t a feminist, I decided to do a post about it. Before reading further, I recommend you watch this (https://youtu.be/vNErQFmOwq0). If you don’t want to, I’ll summarize the gist. Third wave feminism (what is happening now) does not include: equal representation of the genders and few feminists reject the benefits women have over men (there are few, but they exist).

Now I’m not saying I 100% agree with everything said in the video. I don’t. BUT it does raise some valid criticism of feminism. I felt a lot of tension the first time I watched this. I wanted to disagree with her so badly, because feminism is supposed to be a good thing. And by definition, it is supposed to be about equality. But if you look carefully, that isn’t what you see.

Feminism may claim to support equality, but few feminists really do 100% support equality. I have seen a number of people fighting for male sexual assault victims to be taken seriously, and (although fewer) questioning why men have such  hard time getting custody of their kids. But what about the other issues mentioned? I have never seen people talk about how much easier it is for women to get some jobs than it is for men, I have never seen a complaint about women having shorter prison sentences than men for the same crime.

I don’t agree that feminism as a whole makes all men a problem nor do I think it is trying to make women superior to men. But perhaps dropping the name “feminism” is actually a start. When feminism started, women were fighting for their rights. The right to vote, for example. Now that people are fighting equality, do we have to call it feminism? I mean keeping the name may simplify people and keep us from dividing people that should be fighting for the same cause. But really make sure you are fighting for equality, and not only for women.

I have a lot of mixed feelings about feminism at the moment, mostly because I support equality and there is a lot of pressure right now to do so under the label feminist. But the more I look at what is actually being done under the label of feminism, the more I see the reality of it and the definition of it don’t match up. Of course I know SOME feminists do support everyone and I’m sure there are people fighting for all of the issues mentioned in the video under the label of feminism. But it’s far from enough. Maybe rather than changing the label, we just push male issues and the problem with female privileges more. I don’t know, I’m not even sure if the label is the problem.

The point of this post is obviously not to solve the issue of feminism. I’m an 18 year old sitting in bed with a laptop past what should have been “bed time”. But I do encourage anyone reading this, especially feminists, to watch the video. Then, at least question whether or not these issues have been brought to your attention. Question whether or not you’re willing to fight against the (few) privileges women have over men. Maybe you’ll decide you’d rather be an “equalist”, maybe you’ll try to bring more attention to these issues while being a feminist. Please don’t pretend they don’t exist though.

Until next week,

Chloé

Maybe, Maybe Not

There’s this magic little word a lot of people have trouble saying. No. It’s 1 syllable, 2 letters. But so many of us just can’t get it out. We’d rather say “maybe”, or curse ourselves while we agree.

There’s often a lot of guilt around this word. Whether you don’t have time to watch your neighbour’s kid or aren’t feeling sex tonight – it can often be hard to do what you want, because it lets somebody else down.

So here’s a situation that many of us have been in, where we can really see why saying no is a good idea. You’re shopping for a dress (jeans, shoes etc… I’ll stick with dress for now). And the sales person goes “is there anything you’re looking for today?”. You have 2 choices. “No, I’m just browsing” (and have no clue where to look) or “A dress for <insert occasion>”. Immediately the sales person brings you a couple dresses, gushing about how much you love the first one. You put it on, step outside and …. oh. You hate it. They gush and gush about how much they love it on you despite your protest.

But you don’t buy the dress, just because they want you to. And you don’t buy one you love, because it was twice your budget. And even if you feel a little guilty about it, knowing the person was on commission, you still walk out of the store empty handed. Why? Because in this case, if you didn’t say no, money was at stake.

Why can’t we act like this all the time? Why are we more likely to turn down a sales person trying to get commission, than a friend asking for a favour? Has money really become more important than happiness? Keep that in mind next time you feel a “maybe” creeping up in place of no, or even worse, next time you agree to something while your heart is sinking. What is your happiness worth? Is it worth what you’re about to do?

Lost With the Memory

Tip: Drink tequila and schnapps to forget him.

Warning: You’ll also forget who you are.

Of course when I did this, it was an accident. Not the drinking part, but the forgetting part. Usually that’s how we forget things – by accident. Work shifts, due dates, all the important things that won’t matter in a month. But you can purposely forget things – by downing enough alcohol (note, I am not endorsing this as a particularly good idea, but I mean, it works).

I sent the opening of this to a friend, and it got me thinking. Do we really want to forget? Or will we lose who we are? Think of everything you truly wanted to forget at some point in your life. Something that happened a while ago. A breakup, a death, a hard time. Now think of how it changed you. Most of the time, bad things change people the most. What came of it? Do you want to lose the part of you that exists because of that? If the answer is no, then do you really want to forget? I had to learn to love myself when others didn’t. It was painful, but I don’t want to lose that part of me. I want to love myself, so I guess I have to remember the pain that caused that.

The things we can purposely forget are things we can also only forget temporarily. You can’t just forget about your first true love, a failure that had an impact on your future, the bullies you faced for years or an abusive relationship. But you will probably grow from them. Maybe not a week after they happen or a month after. But eventually. Until then, harness the pain into art. I don’t say that to romanticize pain. But it really does make the best art, and believe me when I say it’s too late once you stop caring. Express yourself, through words, images, music. Let your pain out. And then reflect on who you are, and how strong you are, because of it. Don’t try to lose the memories that shape who you are. Don’t try to lose yourself.

Until next week,

Chloé

A White Lie, A Haunted Past

And in a single moment your heart can break. That single moment when you realize something was a lie, and in that moment it feels like everything was a lie. You break, his name doesn’t taste the same, it doesn’t sound the same. It sounds like the music at the end of a tragedy and tastes like that first shot of vodka since that time you had way too much.

And then it’s love, that makes you want to fix it. Right now. Because instead of focusing on your anger you focus on him. How is he handling it? He hurt you, and you know he hates himself for it. But instead of letting him suffer, you pack a bag and walk towards the very thing that you should be running from. Everything along the way will taunt you, things will stick out to rub in your face what he did. And you’ll keep going.

And you’ll forgive him almost immediately, because the big mess that came from a white lie and haunted past is enough to convince you it won’t happen again. But that night you won’t sleep, and the bed will feel like two beds. There’s a heavy divide. And when you wake up you won’t be greeted by morning cuddles. You’ll get up alone and shower, like the body next to you is just that – a body.

It’ll be the first time something can’t be fixed overnight. It’ll be confusing, because it had always worked that way before. It’ll be a time where you have to say “it will be okay” instead of “its okay”, because it isn’t okay. But you know it will be.

365 Days of Sikirar

About year ago I posted a piece of my writing under my own name for the first time ever. It was a big step for me – I’d been hiding behind screen names for a while, or choosing who to share things with. What happened wasn’t what I was expecting. The piece had been about an unhealthy relationship. I don’t think the piece, titled “Stitches”, was particularly harsh. It was honest. And it just so happens the person I wrote it about came across it. And he went a friend’s house, and sat down, and began to question a lot of things he had been doing. He agreed with what I’d said (for probably the first time ever). It’s unlikely that is still the case. But the response was something I couldn’t have expected, even considered. For me it was just the first time I felt comfortable sharing something (and it was the first piece that wouldn’t land me in the guidance counsellor’s office, given I was still in high school).

Exactly a year ago today, I posted my first piece. I had just finished a short story for the first time and felt like I was suddenly a writing guru with a ton of knowledge (hahaha…. whatever made me happy right?). The first posts were pretty rough, but they were a start. Today, after a year, I am sharing this blog with a more “public” group. The people who know me – who really know me – will have access to it for the first time. I’ve kept this away from friends, my boyfriend, and the people who casually follow/friend me that I may have met on a trip, at school or an event. With a few exceptions of fellow writers I’ve let into my little world, it’s been my secret. My safe haven, where I could write whatever I wanted without someone later saying “I read your blog,…” and asking questions.

It’s weird to look back and see where this blog began. Partially because of what I wrote about and partially because it means a year has gone by and it forces me to reflect. I remember why I was so interested in a blog, in a short story, in a sequel, in anything I could write a year ago. I wrote because I had to write. It was the only way to distract every part of my brain enough to forget what my mind was trying to kill me with. Without writing I would have other monuments of my pain. They would be written in my skin. Without writing I don’t know what grade 11 would have looked like, much less the mess of grade 12. I started this blog when writing was the only way to distract myself from the self-imposed stress of “you have to get a 90. You have to get a 90”. For anyone trying to get a scholarship with their grades – be kind to yourself. It wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t worth the literal blood, sweat and tears. Be kind to yourself, please. You don’t have to get a 90. Or an 80. Or a 70. I mean like… Try to pass. But do what you can.

A speaker at my high school once said something that really resinated with me that year. When talking about depression, she said “Your mind is trying to kill you”. It was the simplest and most accurate way to put it. And in writing, I could shut up the death threats thought up in my own head. I could stop the crying spells and breathe again. It was times like this that writing saved me. Not music, not a person. Writing. My own mind, the one trying to kill me, was also what saved me.

It seems ironic that the reason I hid away all this writing was that I wasn’t willing to be that vulnerable with people, and yet this is my most vulnerable piece. I promise to work on that, I’m trying to be vulnerable. At this point, I write for the enjoyment of it. I write because it lets me express whatever is on my mind at that moment, whether I’m overwhelmed with emotion or considering that maybe someone out there can clear up their skin the same way I did. I would say I don’t need to anymore – I mean I can so far remain relatively sane without it – but I still feel a need in a way. I need to speak my mind, however it comes out. Some writing is not fit for conversation.

For anyone who has read this entire post, thank you. I know there wasn’t much to gain from it, but it’s the first time I’ve been able to say some things about myself more or less bluntly and the first time I’ve reached beyond the viewers collected by tags or interested Tumblr users. There is still a lot I haven’t said, and I promise to make a effort to become more vulnerable here. It may seem weird for me to want to do that – but it has become a freeing experience. I also promise tp try to make this a weekly thing instead of posting 3 things one week and nothing for the next month.

Until next time,

Chloé

The Social (Media) Culture

A friend of mine was talking to me about some people she unfollowed on Instagram, saying it was “immature”, but she just didn’t want to see their posts anymore. That, and my intro to media course, got me thinking about social media as a culture.

First of all, it is serious. People act like their likes and followers don’t matter. “I have more followers than people I follow – but I don’t care haha”. But its such a huge part of our culture – it has become serious. There is “fame” on social media. Drama is started on media. Relationships are formed (and destroyed). The only way you can tell me it isn’t serious, is if you honestly do. not. care. People put on a face for social media – literally. You probably have 1-3 faces in the majority of your selfies – but it was JUST a selfie, right? And the excuses in the captions? “because it’s Easter”, “birthday selfie!” – people feel the need to justify their posts, when really, they just feel good about themselves. And hashtags? A chance to get seen. An extra “like”, a comment if you’re lucky. And why do you want these? Because social media has begun to determine self worth. Followers, likes, comments, tinder matches, retweets, reblogs. People are looking for the world to validate them – and this validation comes from numbers on social media.

Still don’t agree?

If it wasn’t serious – why don’t you see ugly faces? Why is not wearing makeup something to celebrate? A Friday night post with friends says “I have an active social life”, a picture of our new phone says “I can afford to be cool”. Even the rare bad photos are an excuse to show off. “Hey, look how hung over I am from last night’s party!” or “Look I’m all sweaty because I’m fit and just worked out”. People show their peers the self they want people to think they are – always pretty, always happy, always cool.

And then there’s the link between media and society’s obsession with appearance. I get the most likes on my selfies. I post writing pieces, food, nature stuff, thing going on around me. I would honestly look back at my Instagram the way I look at a scrapbook, because I document a lot about my life in it. But my selfies get the most likes – most of them have more likes than the photo of my university acceptance letter or the screenshot of the email saying my marks earned me a free tuition scholarship. My appearance is worth more attention than my education, according to social media. Why do you think this is?

How many times have you scrolled through your feed on Instagram, and liked every selfie you saw, or almost every one? Without really looking at them? And yet everything else that comes up – you actually have to care. Liking a selfies means “I’m giving you confidence, hoping in exchange that you will give me confidence when I post a selfie”. It’s a favour. Everything else is genuine interest, but liking a selfie is to make someone feel good. Because appearance is so important to us.

Earlier I said my appearance is more important than my education (and every other part of my life). Now I’ll prove it. Tinder. You talk to someone based on appearance, and whatever they choose to say in their little description. What does that look like in real life? It looks like men stopping me to ask for my number while I’m minding my business walking downtown. They are willing to spend money on me (presumably, considering dates are rarely free) based on how I look. Not once has someone asked for my name in the brief conversation that leads to their rejection. They don’t know if I’m 17 or 24. They don’t know if I’m smart, educated, interesting. People are willing to spend money on me to find out – because of my appearance. It’s free, generally, to get to know a person before asking them on a date. But they want the pretty one. This is the real life version of Tinder, and I’m constantly forced to swipe – I mean step – left, and continue on.

Of course all social media is about an image – what you say on Twitter or Facebook creates an image just like photos on Instagram do. That’s who books work… Words create images. I mainly used Instagram as an example, but this post applies to all media. And of course, I have to finish with “but this doesn’t apply to everyone”. Because if I don’t, someone is going to complain that their media doesn’t fit the bill – congrats to them. But for the rest of you… Is this what social media is about? Generating an image? Is being attractive really society’s biggest concern (or at least being “cool”, since not all trends are about “pretty”).

– Chloé